I am slowly starting to realize that nothing internally actually changes when someone I want to like me does. I'm left with the same exact mind as the one I started with, the same exact "problems." I'm not fulfilled as a person, my life isn't complete, nor does life itself suddenly become easy for me to handle. As I said before, this mind that I must learn to live with and, dare I say, eventually learn to love, is exactly the same. Isn't it really our own minds that we hope will change as a result of someone liking us? Maybe we're unconsciously hoping that if that other person likes us, then we'll like us too...
My crush sent me a text last night that said, "I want you." Point blank. Of course, nothing really happened, at least on the inside where it really matters, as a result. Sure, I was giddy for a moment, but surprisingly quickly, the giddiness wore off and the same "problems" and worries from before were quick to take its place. Even the feeling of giddiness I experienced was a reaction born in my own mind in response to an external stimulus, i.e., the text. In other words, I gave myself that experience of giddiness; I just have easily could have thought, "He only wants me? I need him to love me!" and given myself an experience of frustration and despair rather than giddiness. The point is, I am the one responsible for my own state of being. I, and no one else, am the one in power here. I can choose how to respond to what goes on around me. I can choose to be fulfilled as a single woman, or I can choose to be fulfilled in a relationship. The choice is mine.
I can choose to treat myself with patience, compassion and understanding and focus on the beauty in the world around me, or I can choose to hate myself and everything around me for not meeting some unrealistic ideal in my head - the original source of which God only knows. Whether or not I'm in a relationship makes no difference. I can just as easily hate myself and be miserable while in a relationship as I can on my own. Judging from past experience, it's actually been more difficult for me to see the world clearly and positively when I've been in a relationship than when I haven't. The drama of the relationship honestly served as just another roadblock to me accepting and surrendering to the present moment. Many times, it was just more peaceful for me to be single.
I think it's human nature to experience a positive moment with someone and assume that the other person is the source of the happiness within us. Thinking this, we latch onto that person and become afraid of losing them. What we fail to realize is that the source of our happiness is not the other person but inside ourselves. It was our reaction (i.e., our thoughts) in response to that person or situation that created a feeling of happiness within us. If we had been having a "bad day" that day, that happy experience could have been a disastrous one.
The question really becomes, how do we change our thinking? How do we increase the number of positive reactions we experience and decrease the negative ones? Trying to associate with people and environments that have generated positive reactions within us in the past can work up to a point but is ultimately not a dependable means of increasing happiness. Circumstances change. People change. The same person that "made" us happy a week ago can "make" us mad the next.
Is there a way to feel peace regardless of external circumstances? That is what I am hoping to find out...
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