Lately, I've been feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One minute, I'm thrilled to finally be living my life more authentically and feeling hopeful for the future, and the next, I'm as depressed as can be. The specific thoughts that trigger my depressive mood are always the same: any thoughts related to medical school or to the person I still have unrequited feelings for...
Although I recognize that I don't truly want to be a physician, it still hurts hearing about others that are on that career path. The distorted thoughts that I am a failure and will never be as successful as them enter my head, and I, unsurprisingly, am left feeling terrible. It makes no sense. How am I a failure if I don't want to be a physician and because of this, decided to move on from something that wasn't going to make me happy? Furthermore, how is it a fact that someone, simply because he or she is a physician, will be more successful than me? Even if that person is more financially successful, success in life is not always measured by material wealth. If I became a physician and was financially successful but hated more than eight hours of every day of my life, how could I possibly be said to be living a successful life? The truth is, I would not have been successful had I become a physician - at least not in the most important sense of the word.
As for the second depressive mood trigger, I'm essentially allowing this person to decide how I feel about myself. He, in the end, did not consider me valuable enough to make time for, so I considered myself to not be valuable. I realize this is an unhealthy reaction to have, so I want to focus now on building my self-esteem. I want to consistently feel strong and "good enough," regardless of how poorly others treat me. If someone does not value me, that does not mean I am not valuable. I am worthwhile simply because I am a human being but I am also, I believe, a genuinely good person. Furthermore, I am fortunate enough to not be unattractive, unintelligent or untalented. If someone cannot see this or insists on taking me for granted, that's their loss.
As for me, I think it would do me some good to remember this: if I am willing to put up with a man that does not appreciate me, I will end up with a man that does not appreciate me.
1 comment on "Emotional Triggers"
Sometimes I really think that, perhaps in another life, we must have been related somehow. The feelings you have parallel mine so much I can't believe it. For my whole school and college life I was going for science, for either veterinary or medical school. I realized toward the end of college that I really love other things just as much, but even so I feel the same, unaccomplished and as if I will always be a failure because I will not make as much as some of my peers who chose a health profession. I have come to the realization that I should follow my true dream and perhaps get lucky enough to become a writer, but in the meantime I feel that I can't force myself to do something that I don't really want to do, I probably shouldn't and, like you said, would end up unhappy most of my life.
I too have been on an emotional rollercoaster, with days when I am so happy and other days when the fear of not being financially successful creeps in and I feel like I am a big disappointment, that I will always be a failure. I think, though, that this feeling we have will wear off with time, but it still feels terrible sometimes.
I have also come to the realization that, while being financially successful sure makes life a bit easier, it does not guarantee happiness, just as you mentioned. I really love the quotes you used because they have made me feel better, and I plan to write them down to remind myself of them.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your friendship and how much I value you as a person. Not only are you intelligent and beautiful, but you are incredibly kind, something that I feel should be treasured because you make others feel your kindness and as a result make them happy. I admire your strength and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship. It is my hope that we will both grow to be completely happy and that we will not worry about financial success because I hope we will find what makes us completely happy, what we will love to do.
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