The biggest lesson I've learned (and am still learning) in life is simply to trust my own intuition. I've never been very good at trusting my feelings before. I'm sure you could sit me down and psychoanalyze me to try and figure out why this is the case, but does it really even matter why? I just never paid very much attention to them. Trust me, I had feelings, and they would come out quite explosively on certain occasions, but I just never put very much stock into them. Instead, I put my trust in cold, hard facts. I would analyze situations ad nauseam trying to figure out what was "right" and what was "wrong," as if nothing in this world comes in shades of grey, only black and white. Even if my feelings were screaming that something wasn't right for me, if I couldn't find any empirical evidence to verify my feelings, I would promptly dismiss them.

I've realized through hard experience that this way of thinking can only get you so far in life. I know it's kept me from exercising my creativity to its fullest potential, left me paralyzed with fear over other peoples' opinions (because if I won't trust my own opinions, I'm left with only the opinions of others), but perhaps most of all, I'm convinced it's left me completely handicapped when it comes to dealing with relationships.

For example, I'll meet someone and analyze them as if they were a cell in a petri dish. "Is he a good person?" I'll ask myself. Well, he did "this," "this" and "this" to me. Therefore, evidence seems to suggest that he is a good person and still worth seeing. (I kid you not, this is roughly the way I would look at things.) I would look at each of the person's actions individually, deciding whether any of them were "deal breakers" or not. He talks to many different women? He appears to be extremely vain? He seems to lack a strong degree of empathy? I would focus on these types of questions without ever stopping to consider how I actually felt about the person. Did I feel good around them? Did I feel happy thinking about this person? Did I feel like I could be myself around them? Was I constantly hit with a strong sense of "No, no, no! This person is bad for you!" when I was around them or thought of them?

I think these questions are immeasurably important and can steer you in the right direction far better than analyzing what the person looks like "on paper." I believe that if someone intends to hurt you or is being in some way disingenuous with you, your gut will always let you know. It's when you look at the action without listening to your gut that you risk being manipulated.

My gut has never been wrong before, yet I've still chosen to ignore it. But, that was the past, and I have no control over it now. The important thing is I'm learning. I feel it very strongly in my gut, for example, that the person I most recently went on a date with is wrong for me. This time, instead of analyzing what he did, said or didn't do or say, I'm just going to listen to my gut and let it all go...

When I dislike someone else and/or believe they are hurting me, it is really my own thoughts about that person that are doing the damage. It's true that person may be doing or saying objectively hurtful things to me and it may be in my best interests to remove myself from further encounters with them, but it is ultimately only the thoughts I continue to entertain in my head about them that bring me down.

The beauty of this truth is that no matter how someone else treats me, I can choose how I react. I don't have to let it hurt me. If I change my mindset, my experience will change.

I can choose to be happy no matter how someone else is treating me. I have that power. This is MY world. MY reality.

Is it true that I need you to desire me? Is it true that if you do desire me, some kind of miracle will occur and I will finally feel complete and happy?

I am slowly starting to realize that nothing internally actually changes when someone I want to like me does. I'm left with the same exact mind as the one I started with, the same exact "problems." I'm not fulfilled as a person, my life isn't complete, nor does life itself suddenly become easy for me to handle. As I said before, this mind that I must learn to live with and, dare I say, eventually learn to love, is exactly the same. Isn't it really our own minds that we hope will change as a result of someone liking us? Maybe we're unconsciously hoping that if that other person likes us, then we'll like us too...

My crush sent me a text last night that said, "I want you." Point blank. Of course, nothing really happened, at least on the inside where it really matters, as a result. Sure, I was giddy for a moment, but surprisingly quickly, the giddiness wore off and the same "problems" and worries from before were quick to take its place. Even the feeling of giddiness I experienced was a reaction born in my own mind in response to an external stimulus, i.e., the text. In other words, I gave myself that experience of giddiness; I just have easily could have thought, "He only wants me? I need him to love me!" and given myself an experience of frustration and despair rather than giddiness. The point is, I am the one responsible for my own state of being. I, and no one else, am the one in power here. I can choose how to respond to what goes on around me. I can choose to be fulfilled as a single woman, or I can choose to be fulfilled in a relationship. The choice is mine.

I can choose to treat myself with patience, compassion and understanding and focus on the beauty in the world around me, or I can choose to hate myself and everything around me for not meeting some unrealistic ideal in my head - the original source of which God only knows. Whether or not I'm in a relationship makes no difference. I can just as easily hate myself and be miserable while in a relationship as I can on my own. Judging from past experience, it's actually been more difficult for me to see the world clearly and positively when I've been in a relationship than when I haven't. The drama of the relationship honestly served as just another roadblock to me accepting and surrendering to the present moment. Many times, it was just more peaceful for me to be single.

I think it's human nature to experience a positive moment with someone and assume that the other person is the source of the happiness within us. Thinking this, we latch onto that person and become afraid of losing them. What we fail to realize is that the source of our happiness is not the other person but inside ourselves. It was our reaction (i.e., our thoughts) in response to that person or situation that created a feeling of happiness within us. If we had been having a "bad day" that day, that happy experience could have been a disastrous one.

The question really becomes, how do we change our thinking? How do we increase the number of positive reactions we experience and decrease the negative ones? Trying to associate with people and environments that have generated positive reactions within us in the past can work up to a point but is ultimately not a dependable means of increasing happiness. Circumstances change. People change. The same person that "made" us happy a week ago can "make" us mad the next.

Is there a way to feel peace regardless of external circumstances? That is what I am hoping to find out...

By Mark Tyrrell

Unrequited love's a bore, yeah
And I've got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore, yeah
It's a pleasure to be sad...
("Glad to Be Unhappy", The Mamas and the Papas)

'Unrequited love' - sounds kind of old-fashioned, doesn't it? It conjures up scenes of 18th-century folk wandering around misty moors, composing poetry, passionately yearning for the merest glimpse of their beloved. Infatuation, longing, and love can be agonizing when they remain unreciprocated; when the focus of your love sees you as 'just a friend' (or not even that). Unrequited love can hurt like @#!*% .

Unrequited love's pedigree The concept of unrequited love may sound out of date. But, as evidenced by the huge number of people searching the term online, human concerns haven't really changed all that much since good old Will Shakespeare purportedly wrote: "Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."

Most of us experience the pangs of unreturned affection at some point in our lives. But for some folk, unrequited love becomes obsessive; they come to feel that they can become complete and fulfilled only through union with the object of their longings. The danger is that they come to feel that without that union, their life loses all meaning. And when meaning drains from life, we become depressed. So what are some of the common symptoms?

Unrequited love is seriously distracting! "My thoughts continually turn to him; every song reminds me of his face. I fantasize about us being together. Sometimes I awaken and know I've been dreaming about him. It's an ache that literally hurts my chest. In the hours and days after seeing him, I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate on work! It's not just infatuation; it's real love!" These are the words of a woman in love with a married work colleague.

Unrequited love can lead to listlessness, anxiety, disturbed sleep, and depression. The great philosopher Charlie Brown put it so well: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." And that's very germane. Unrequited love can feel overwhelming and spoil many of life's enjoyments - making all contact, other than with the beloved, seem pointless.

So what can you do about it?

As with all emotional distress, there are things you can do to lessen and even stop the pain. Try these and who knows; you might be moving on quicker than you'd thought possible.

1) Can you accept that they're just not that into you?
There's a massive amount to be said for resilience and determination, but as with anything, context is vital. There is also much to commend flexibility and the capacity to exercise the knowledge of when to 'cut your losses'. Love is romantic; those moments of utter connection and transcendental sympathy with another person, almost as if nature wants us to experience a merging of two into one as a kind of universal blueprint and preparation for a more spiritual fulfilment. Now I'm getting carried away. But everything has to have practical basis.

We are brainwashed by romantic fiction to believe that enough determination will awaken within others what they don't know themselves. And if we only try hard enough, we'll get our guy or girl - it works in romantic fiction, right?

Don't fall for this. How much time (including fantasy time) have you spent on this person?

"If only I could make them see... Just a little longer, if we could just speak together..."

Enough already. It may sound harsh, but sometimes knowing when to give up is the first step to real success.

2) Know (really know) who you are in love with
Ever heard of jailhouse love? Don't get me wrong; the unattainable may have its attractions (not having to confront reality is one of them). However, that 'unattainable' may be doing life for mass murder. Maybe you've hardly ever met that unattainable in the flesh, but it suits you to believe that he (usually he) is really just 'misunderstood'; that beneath that cold-hearted, psychopathic, mass-murdering exterior, he's really a loving and lovable guy just in need of some unconditional love.

A woman who falls for a man in jail is a stark illustration of what we can all do to a lesser extent. She has fallen for a man she's met in her mind who is, perhaps, barely approximated by the man in jail. She may even marry that 'man in her mind' even as the fleshy incarnation of her own inner phantasm rots in prison.

We all do this to some extent - not fall in love with serial killers, but create an image in our mind of whom we fall for as distinct from the real person. That's fine in some ways, but not if the fantasy and the person are in reality very different.

Are you in love with a fantasy - a concoction? Do you love this other person or your own creative projection? Many people who fall in love deeply quickly feel as if they 'know' the person for whom they've fallen. If the person they've fallen for is mainly a concoction of their own imagination, then it's not surprising they feel an instant connection.

When unrequited love feels overwhelming, dwell on this idea: that you may not love the real them at all because you don't know them.

3) Keep your wider life going, and growing
The thoughts stemming from the feelings of unrequited love are all or nothing: "Without this person, my life is meaningless! ... Unless I have them, I don't want anyone!" Putting all of one's eggs in one basket is always a dangerous strategy. "If I could only have this person, then all my problems would disappear!"

When we're in love, we just want to be in love. The chores, mundanities, and obligations of life become unwanted distractions clawing for our attention, which we'd rather reserve for the love of our life. This becomes dangerous if we begin to actually neglect other friendships and human contact (because they are not the person).

Unrequited love hits harder if we stop meeting our basic emotional needs for companionship, creativity, and emotional intimacy (which can be got from good friends). Get outside, exercise, go and see non-romantic movies, call up old friends you haven't seen in a while. Keep doing all the stuff you'd normally do, even if you don't feel like it, as these activities will buffer your peace of mind and help you move beyond your forlorn focus.

Ah, this brings us onto...

4) Glimpse the future in all its possible forms
Once a king who felt victim to the ebbs and flows of his mind gathered his wisest advisors and set them a task: "Produce for me an artefact that whenever I am low will make me feel better and whenever I am too high and mighty will steady my state and bring me balance." The advisors duly reported back to him a few days later and the wisest presented the king with a golden ring. The king put the ring on and noticed that when he looked carefully, he could see the inscribed legend, "This too will pass". In future, whenever the king felt overwhelmed by anything at all, he would read these words and reflect on them.

When I was three, I was 'in love' with a red toy bus; seriously, it was perhaps the main focus of my life and I would insist on taking it everywhere - that bus and I were meant to be together...always. That's how it felt at the time, anyway. The point? It feels like it's always going to feel this way; but it won't always feel this way. There have been literally decades in which I hadn't thought about that toy bus. Back then, if I'd verbalized it, I would have scorned the idea that one day I'd 'move on' from my early bus love. And, dare I say, it can be the same for people we've loved.

Get into the habit of self-hypnotically projecting your mind into the future - to a time when you can look back to the present and wonder what all the fuss was about. This is a great way to actually start to naturally feel better - above and beyond all the 'good sensible advice'. For a free audio taster of this, click below.

5) Get out of the pit
When we're in love, even if it's with our own imaginative version of a person, it's easy to wallow in romantic fiction, 'Rom-Coms', poems about undying love, mid-distance dreamy staring in the checkout queue, Cameron Diaz and Colin Firth. But overdoing this can cause you further problems. If you're really suffering because of your unrequited passions, then this is akin to rubbing salt into a lacerated leg wound repeatedly. It's gonna hurt.

At the risk of presenting myself as completely insane, I once asked a client who had been obsessing about a woman he worked with and was finding night times impossible to deal with to "research the top twenty service stations catering for UK motorways north of London as rated by customers". I asked him to compile me a report on it. Romantic or what!

My rapport with this man was such that I convinced him to do it - and because he was a perfectionist, once he'd agreed, he couldn't not do it. The next day, he came in and told me that after this onerous but logical task, he'd slept soundly, hadn't much thought about this woman, and felt like he turned a corner. I'm not suggesting you do this task, but I am illustrating a point.

Do things that engage your logical, planning, strategic brain. When people are depressed, they have less activity in the prefrontal lobes of the left side of their brain (1), so purposefully doing logical activities (which can be way more interesting than that guy's task) can help stabilize mood and help you feel much more detached and objective about stuff that was bothering you. You need perspective to deal with unrequited love.

6) Watch out - it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you
When you love someone who doesn't seem to care for you (or at least not as much), it can be easy to agonize over why they don't like/love you the way you do them. The fact is, you may be the best looking, wittiest, brightest, most fun person in the world, and they still may not like you the way you like them. Trying to get something from someone who doesn't have it to give is a little like King Cnut commanding the waves to stop their tidal flow to shore. If they don't love you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. Some people aren't very good at loving.

7) Find someone who can give you what you need
Loving whilst being loved in return - that great emotional symmetry - is what really fulfils. Some people get into the destructive pattern of only really falling for people who are 'unavailable' in some way, perhaps because they are with someone else or emotionally unable to commit to a relationship. Unconsciously making unavailability a prerequisite for falling in love is like insisting on going swimming only in dry deserts - it's never going to really work. If you have been doing this (or you suspect you have), at least become conscious of it and reflect that it's a self-defeating strategy.

Focus on finding someone who likes you for who you are. And don't confuse the intensity of agony with the intensity of real love. You'll know once you have found the real thing, because it will flow in both directions.

Just think for a moment how wonderful it's going to feel when you no longer have to obsess about that person. How you'll be able to choose whether to think about them or not. And when you do, you are able to feel calm and detached, putting it down to part of life's rich tapestry of experience.

Real love should make you happy and contented, not miserable and anxious. Unrequited love can never be anything but painful. For harmony in a relationship, the force of attraction needs to be balanced. Just imagine how good it's going to be when you find someone who knows how to love you as you love them.

From How to Handle the Pain of Unrequited Love

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I've never been a huge Dr. Phil fan, but this seems like some pretty good advice...

• Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

• Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

• Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."

• Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

• Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

• Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

• Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

• Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.

• Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."

• Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

From Letting Go of Love

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"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - Corinthians 13:4-7

This beautiful quote is just what I needed to remember right now... ♥

In the middle of watching the third episode of this season's Bachelor, and I gotta say, I think I may have just a teensy weensy crush on Mr. Sean Lowe...

"Hey ladies, I'm perfect!"

Last season, with Emily Maynard, was the first time I watched The Bachelor or, in that case, The Bachelorette. It's strange because the entire time I was voting for either Arie or Jef, Emily's second and first choices, respectively. (Maybe it's because I'm not normally attracted to men with really blonde hair? I don't know...)

The first time I actually even took notice of Sean was after she chose Jef and Arie over him. I remember being very impressed by his reaction to being rejected. He seemed genuinely hurt but never once said anything remotely negative about her. Instead, he only wished her the very best. I can't imagine it's very easy to be rejected and humiliated on national television, but I thought he handled it in the very best way possible, and I think the way someone handles being rejected speaks volumes about their character.

I wonder if Emily regrets sending Sean home? I know I would...

Now, watching Sean on this season's The Bachelor, he continues to grow on me more and more. I hope he picks one of the sweeter, more genuine girls, but I think no matter who he chooses, I'll be just a tiny bit jealous.

Kind of wishing I had applied to be on The Bachelor right now. And truth be told, I'm only slightly kidding here. XD

Edited @ 1:04 PM:

Okay, I just finished the third episode, and now one of the girls I am definitely rooting for is Ashlee F.! (I also like Robyn, Catherine and Leslie.)

I'm also really glad he sent Kacie B. home. He saw the drama with her. Now, I'm just hoping he sends Tierra and Amanda home soon. He spotted the drama with Kacie B., so he should be able to eventually spot it with Tierra and Amanda.

Yesterday was pretty eventful. I woke up at six in the morning, met my friend Laura at eight and then drove over to an eleven-bedroom Spanish-style mansion for a photoshoot. The first look was natural and for a new line of synthetic makeup brushes, while the other two were so "out there" I have no intention of posting the finished results to my Facebook Timeline. One of the more memorable aspects of the shoot was that Kim Vo from Bravo's show Shear Genius styled my hair for the two "out there" looks. I've never actually seen his show, but I was very impressed by how thoughtful and sweet he was. It's refreshing to meet someone that's experienced some degree of fame but hasn't let it go to their head.

Kim Vo

At the end of the shoot, someone that I have been interested in also called me for the first time. It is two hours ahead where he lives, so we were only able to speak for around forty minutes or so. I think the conversation went pretty well and he texted me afterwards to tell me he enjoyed talking to me. Still, I plan on taking this very, very slow. I've learned that nine times out of ten, people turn out to be completely different than the way they appeared after first meeting them. Anyone can put up a façade, and good-looking men seem to be especially adept at pretending they have substance. This time, I'm not giving a man my trust from the get-go; I'm making him earn it.

As for other areas of my life, I'm technically on a "leave of absence" from medical school, but will more than likely not be returning in the fall because I dislike it so much (and it's still, believe it or not, very hard for me to admit this). I'm living in a condominium by myself with my three-year-old, four-pound Maltese, Apple. A friend ended up acquiring five dogs due to a failed relationship and moving back in with her parents, so Apple needed a home. I'll post pictures of him one of these days. He's adorable and definitely one of the biggest joys of my life right now. As for work, I'm meeting with two brothers that, between them, are producers, vocal and piano coaches once a week to finally finish, record and produce the songs I've written. I have no idea where any of this will go (if anywhere), but I figure this is the time to at least try it out. By far the scariest thing I've ever done, so I'm just doing my best to take it day by day...

In less serious news, Hunger Games comes out on March 23rd! Who else is excited? I'm thinking of re-reading the first book before I see it. Also, can I just say, wow, these images of Peeta are perfect?!

I was unsure at first about his casting, but he's totally giving off a Peeta vibe here. ;)

Happy Tuesday, friends! I'm off to go and run a few errands... :)

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One minute, I'm thrilled to finally be living my life more authentically and feeling hopeful for the future, and the next, I'm as depressed as can be. The specific thoughts that trigger my depressive mood are always the same: any thoughts related to medical school or to the person I still have unrequited feelings for...

Although I recognize that I don't truly want to be a physician, it still hurts hearing about others that are on that career path. The distorted thoughts that I am a failure and will never be as successful as them enter my head, and I, unsurprisingly, am left feeling terrible. It makes no sense. How am I a failure if I don't want to be a physician and because of this, decided to move on from something that wasn't going to make me happy? Furthermore, how is it a fact that someone, simply because he or she is a physician, will be more successful than me? Even if that person is more financially successful, success in life is not always measured by material wealth. If I became a physician and was financially successful but hated more than eight hours of every day of my life, how could I possibly be said to be living a successful life? The truth is, I would not have been successful had I become a physician - at least not in the most important sense of the word.

As for the second depressive mood trigger, I'm essentially allowing this person to decide how I feel about myself. He, in the end, did not consider me valuable enough to make time for, so I considered myself to not be valuable. I realize this is an unhealthy reaction to have, so I want to focus now on building my self-esteem. I want to consistently feel strong and "good enough," regardless of how poorly others treat me. If someone does not value me, that does not mean I am not valuable. I am worthwhile simply because I am a human being but I am also, I believe, a genuinely good person. Furthermore, I am fortunate enough to not be unattractive, unintelligent or untalented. If someone cannot see this or insists on taking me for granted, that's their loss.

As for me, I think it would do me some good to remember this: if I am willing to put up with a man that does not appreciate me, I will end up with a man that does not appreciate me.

☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Mentally married to Robert Pattinson

lol ;P

I think it's time to make two major, but extremely necessary changes in my life. One, I need to stop allowing others (mainly men) to walk all over me. I deserve respect, and if someone is disrespecting me, that person does not deserve my time or my energy. I can still behave pleasantly towards them, but I don't need to try so hard to make them happy that it ends up hurting me emotionally in the process.

Specifically, when it comes to men that I am considering as potential significant others, I will make the conscious choice to move on from anyone that is not, above all, a deeply goodhearted and sincere person. A man that lacks these two essential qualities, no matter how intelligent, good-looking or successful, is simply not worth it. I must acknowledge the fact that it is not in my best interests to be in a serious relationship with someone that is not, at the very least, goodhearted and sincere. (I, of course, know this intellectually, but I have a history of ignoring it in practice.)

Two, I need to take better care of my health. I've said it many, many times before, but I need to stop drinking Diet Coke and drink more water, eat less fast food and cook more, and exercise regularly.

Basically, I need to think of and take care of myself more. One way to do this is to repeatedly ask myself, "Is this in my best interests? If not, what is?"

I'm sure I'll regret posting this, but right now I just really need to vent. To cut straight to the chase, I am so incredibly sick of men liking me only because of the way that I look. It seems to happen to me way more often than it should, considering the fact that I'm really not that pretty...

I've been feeling so rejected lately because of this that my heart is starting to feel like it's been put through a meat grinder...

This most recent time, I developed feelings for a second-year medical student who, lo and behold, thought I was attractive and worth pursuing for this reason for a short amount of time, but didn't find it worthwhile to actually take the time to get to know me. I finally had to end things with him yesterday because once the draw of my looks wore off, he began treating me with very little respect.

This seems to happen so often that I begin to wonder if my personality just sucks and that's why men seem to lose interest so quickly. Of course, when I'm able to think clearly, I know very well that my personality doesn't suck. I shouldn't have to defend myself (to er, myself), but I know that I'm very sensitive and caring, and every once in a while, even a little bit funny. So, why is it so difficult for me to find someone that will appreciate me for more than the way that I look? Do I just attract men that aren't interested in getting to know the women they pursue, period?

I know this isn't a positive way of thinking, but I can't help but believe that if I just had a good enough personality then the guy would have no choice but to want to continue seeing me. When I think along these lines, of course, I just end up feeling like there's something wrong with me...

It just hurts so bad. I really liked this guy. I wanted him to like me too, but I feel like he didn't even give me a chance...

Three chapters from our human behavior textbook, three journal articles, histology slides and associated questions, yet another dense histology chapter... All assigned today to do by tomorrow.

Thanks for the welcome, med school.

At least I got myself a brand new stethoscope today:

*grins*

In other news, every time I think about my last post, I feel so down... It may have only happened yesterday, but the intensity of the disappointment I am feeling at the moment still surprises me. I want more than anything to text him or call him and tell him how I feel, so I guess it's a good thing that I deleted his number from my phone.

Only now am I realizing just how badly I wanted that relationship to work out. Back to feeling depressed I guess... ;(

Hello, friends. I just finished a week-long orientation for medical school, am in a brand new city, and I'm about to begin classes on Monday. (I'll try to write a longer post about these very big life updates soon.)

For this post though, I would like to discuss another major life update - the ending of my relationship.

It's sad when someone that seemed to be the "entire package" can still not be enough. This person can come from a wonderful family, be successful, hardworking, intelligent and even very good-looking, but if he isn't "your rock," then the entire relationship is essentially a sham. If he can't talk about his feelings, is in any way afraid of commitment, can't make the tiniest bit of effort to be with you (and no, I don't care how busy he is), then he's not the one. At least not the one for me...

I could go on and on, but really, what else is there to say? I'm terribly disappointed, and I admit there were moments when I thought he could possibly even be "the one." However, it quickly became obvious as I was preparing to leave for medical school that he was not going to make me a priority after I left.

Knowing the day I would be leaving, he sent me an e-mail that morning. I promptly texted and e-mailed him back, but for the rest of that day and the next, I didn't hear a single word from him. I left without seeing him or even saying goodbye to him, and I was devastated. Even if he was up to his ears in work, he could have at least had the decency to send a short text to tell me what was going on. When I asked him during our last phone (and break-up) conversation why he hadn't sent me at least a text that day, he told me he didn't have a "good excuse."

The break-up part of the conversation began, by the way, when I admitted to him that I had lately been feeling like a burden to him. His work schedule was so hectic that I actually felt like I was imposing on him when I texted (and trust me, I texted, at the very most, only once a day).

I knew it was the end when he didn't disagree with me. I was a burden to him. He didn't have time for me, or at least that's the excuse he wanted me to believe...

Personally though, I believe that when all was said and done, he simply didn't care about me all that much. I mean, how could he have? Yes, I am aware of how busy he is, but no one is too busy to make contact at least once or twice a week with the person they are in a relationship with. No one. All excuses aside, if he cared about me enough, he would have tried to make it work. If you're lucky enough to find "the one," you don't let them go without a fight.

To add insult to injury, I just updated my status on Facebook to "single" and am now feeling particularly vulnerable because of it - for whatever reason, I felt like it just had to be done. It will be one of my ways of "moving on" I guess... (I've already tossed (and broken in half when possible) the few things he gave me. Ha.)

For my own future reference, here are several warning signs that I, in retrospect, should have been a lot more wary of:

1) He was an adrenaline junkie and completely reckless. He even did hard drugs for a long time (and still smoked marijuana and did acid on occasion).

2) He told me early on that he was holding himself back with me because he knew that I was leaving.

3) He didn't call me after he first met me. (I actually ended up texting him first to see if he was still interested because over a week had passed. That was my first mistake.)

4) I knew that his last relationship had ended because of his work schedule.

Honestly, there were so many signs that I don't even feel like taking the time to write them all out right now. It's already clear that I have to be smarter in my approach to relationships in the future and try not to allow my attraction for the person to get in the way so much... I have a tendency to settle for much less than I should and be way too accommodating.

It just occurred to me that I'll be leaving for medical school in exactly one week from now.

I can't believe it...

My life is going to change so drastically. I'll be living in a new city with a new roommate, studying like I've never had to study before, and also (hopefully) be making lots of new friends along the way.

I will be leaving my family behind, which I am certain is for the best (as bad as that sounds), but I will also be moving away from the man I've grown to have feelings for these past several months. If I hadn't met him, the prospect of leaving my hometown to attend medical school would seem more positive and less bittersweet, as it does now. I just hope I can be completely present in my new environment and not allow my feelings for him to bring me down.

I have no choice but to adopt the mindset that if it's meant to be with him, everything will eventually work itself out...