By Cheryl Richardson

Over the last couple of months I've become quite taken with daily exercise. I know, I know, it seems a bit crazy to imagine enjoying working out, but it's happening. Once I got back into the swing of things after a long year of travel, I quickly experienced the enormous benefits of moving my body every day.

Like any new habit, there's a natural path of development for affecting change. Once I decided to create a daily routine, I dusted off an old newsletter I wrote about the four stages of developing the discipline to exercise every day. As I reviewed the info, it really made a difference, and I hope it inspires you to do the one thing that will have a huge, positive impact on your health and longevity - MOVING!

Let's take a look....

Stage One - Let's get this over with, shall we?

At first, exercise can feel like a chore. After all, it takes effort to move your body, especially if you've been sedentary for a while. As you start to exercise, you may find yourself counting the minutes on the treadmill, or waging an inner battle with yourself about whether or not to sneak out of the gym early. When I was at this stage of the process, two things helped. The first was using the support of a partner. When I was tempted to "just skip this one workout," my sister, Kerri, my workout partner, challenged me to stick with it and follow through.

The second was that I didn't allow my perfectionism (one of my top fitness obstacles) to create a negative association with exercise. For example, in the past when I'd start working out, I'd do things like raise the elevation of the treadmill too high, thinking that it would quicken my progress. This only caused my legs to feel like lead the next day. Or, I'd force myself to complete every single minute of my cardio routine even though I felt exhausted and needed a rest. Although it's important that a fitness program be progressive to build strength and endurance, allowing yourself to be driven by a perfectionist "inner task master" is setting yourself up to fail.

Stage Two - I'm not thrilled, but I'll do it anyway.

As you keep at it, you'll start to experience the many benefits of exercise. You'll notice that you have more energy throughout the day. Your moods level out, and you feel better about yourself (and your life). The critical voice that monitors your weight and how you look will start to quiet down. And, there's a good chance that you'll also notice a significant decrease in your appetite and stress level. As a result, you'll feel clear-headed, and more able to focus during work or while performing your daily tasks.

Although working out still feels like work during this stage, you focus more on the end result (how great you feel afterwards) than on the task at hand.

Stage Three - Wow, this ain't so bad after all.

Once I'd been exercising for eight weeks, I not only felt good after a workout, I started to feel good while I was doing it. My cardiovascular endurance increased, and I noticed that I could run for longer periods of time on the treadmill during my interval training (alternating running and walking to raise my heart rate). The amount of weight I could lift also increased and I started to see muscle tone. I still remember the day I stood in front of my bathroom mirror flexing my biceps and seeing definition not only in my arms, but also in my shoulders! At this stage, seeing and feeling results will fuel your desire to honor and strengthen your body. You'll love how you feel!

Stage Four - Exercise is my secret weapon.

When you get to this stage you realize that besides being the key to health and longevity, exercise builds self-esteem and gives you the ability to live life on your terms. You recognize that, along with building your muscles, you've developed discipline - the key to making healthy choices in all areas of your life.

At this stage you'll want to exercise. For example, when I feel overwhelmed during the day, I jump on my elliptical trainer and do a quick 20-minute workout to clear my head, burn off stress, and get focused.

When you reach the stage where exercise becomes your secret weapon, you'll be amazed at how easy it fits into your schedule.

Once you develop the discipline of exercise, you'll still have days when you'd rather not go to the gym. But the difference will be that on those days, you can afford to stay home knowing that you can trust yourself to get right back on track the next day.

The key to reaching stage four is to focus on taking small, progressive steps. For example, if you're at stage one, just focus on your next workout. When you feel like you've lost your motivation, use this mantra:

"IN ORDER TO GET FROM A TO Z, I ONLY NEED TO TAKE STEP B!"

I've become someone who works out nearly every day. I've made it a "joyful priority." Since I claim that one of my top values is health, I've learned to put my commitment where my mouth is. When health is a value, and you understand and respect the stages of development, it's easy to make the time.

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This moment is the only moment you ever have to take care of.

What we think of as "the future" only ever comes to us as the present moment.

Life becomes so simple when we realize that all we ever need to confront and respond to occurs in this moment alone. Nothing else exists. Future does not exist. Only this -- this moment, these surroundings, these current thoughts and feelings -- exists.

And when there is no future, fear disappears. There is nothing to be fearful of in the present moment. If a threatening situation presents itself, only swift consideration and response is required; there is no time for fear.

Condense all that you believed your life to encompass, including your past and your illusory future, to this very moment.

Only this requires your attention and consideration. How will you choose to respond to your life (which is only ever this moment) knowing this truth?

Is it true that I need you to desire me? Is it true that if you do desire me, some kind of miracle will occur and I will finally feel complete and happy?

I am slowly starting to realize that nothing internally actually changes when someone I want to like me does. I'm left with the same exact mind as the one I started with, the same exact "problems." I'm not fulfilled as a person, my life isn't complete, nor does life itself suddenly become easy for me to handle. As I said before, this mind that I must learn to live with and, dare I say, eventually learn to love, is exactly the same. Isn't it really our own minds that we hope will change as a result of someone liking us? Maybe we're unconsciously hoping that if that other person likes us, then we'll like us too...

My crush sent me a text last night that said, "I want you." Point blank. Of course, nothing really happened, at least on the inside where it really matters, as a result. Sure, I was giddy for a moment, but surprisingly quickly, the giddiness wore off and the same "problems" and worries from before were quick to take its place. Even the feeling of giddiness I experienced was a reaction born in my own mind in response to an external stimulus, i.e., the text. In other words, I gave myself that experience of giddiness; I just have easily could have thought, "He only wants me? I need him to love me!" and given myself an experience of frustration and despair rather than giddiness. The point is, I am the one responsible for my own state of being. I, and no one else, am the one in power here. I can choose how to respond to what goes on around me. I can choose to be fulfilled as a single woman, or I can choose to be fulfilled in a relationship. The choice is mine.

I can choose to treat myself with patience, compassion and understanding and focus on the beauty in the world around me, or I can choose to hate myself and everything around me for not meeting some unrealistic ideal in my head - the original source of which God only knows. Whether or not I'm in a relationship makes no difference. I can just as easily hate myself and be miserable while in a relationship as I can on my own. Judging from past experience, it's actually been more difficult for me to see the world clearly and positively when I've been in a relationship than when I haven't. The drama of the relationship honestly served as just another roadblock to me accepting and surrendering to the present moment. Many times, it was just more peaceful for me to be single.

I think it's human nature to experience a positive moment with someone and assume that the other person is the source of the happiness within us. Thinking this, we latch onto that person and become afraid of losing them. What we fail to realize is that the source of our happiness is not the other person but inside ourselves. It was our reaction (i.e., our thoughts) in response to that person or situation that created a feeling of happiness within us. If we had been having a "bad day" that day, that happy experience could have been a disastrous one.

The question really becomes, how do we change our thinking? How do we increase the number of positive reactions we experience and decrease the negative ones? Trying to associate with people and environments that have generated positive reactions within us in the past can work up to a point but is ultimately not a dependable means of increasing happiness. Circumstances change. People change. The same person that "made" us happy a week ago can "make" us mad the next.

Is there a way to feel peace regardless of external circumstances? That is what I am hoping to find out...

How to Express Your Creative Potential

By Cheryl Richardson

I’m a big fan of talent shows like The Voice (my current favorite), American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance. I record the shows weekly (when each series airs) and I use them to motivate me to work out. I have a rule: I can watch a show as long as I’m moving on an exercise machine in our home gym.

I love these programs because I’m passionate about music, I love singing and dance, and I get so excited seeing people express their creativity and talent. Don’t you just love that moment of magic when a performer seems to transcend time and space and become one with the audience and their art? Just think of Michael Jackson dancing in Thriller and you’ll know what I mean.

I also appreciate the fact that, more and more, these programs are showcasing the benefits of having a mentor or coach. The feedback delivers clues as to what it takes to bring our best to the game. The most common piece of advice is always the same: be yourself. The mentors on The Voice, for example, are always suggesting that the singers relax into who they are so they’re better able to shine from the inside out without worrying about what others think. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you’re in the vulnerable position of being on stage in front of judges!

The funny thing about being yourself is that you have to lose your self-consciousness – the habit of judging yourself – in order to do it. You need to become so immersed in the moment and within yourself, that you begin to channel your pure creative spirit. It’s in this empowered state that we’re able to not only do our best work, but also experience the blissful joy of creative expression. As we link up with the Divinity in the present moment, we naturally connect with each other – the greater Oneness of all. That’s when the fun begins. Learning to be fully ourselves without concern for the reactions, judgments, or expectations of others is a life-long journey. Regardless of how confident and self-possessed you are there will always be times in life when you feel vulnerable and afraid to be yourself. That’s called living as a human being on planet earth .

The important thing to remember is that self-consciousness is about you - not other people. I made the mistake of thinking that my awkwardness on stage, for instance, was about my fear of how others might judge me. But, I learned that my self-consciousness was really my fear of judging myself once I got off stage. This is such an important piece of wisdom to understand (thank you Debbie Ford). I now have a blast on stage and, as a result, my audiences have fun learning, too.

The more you become your own best champion, supporter, cheerleader, and trusted confidant, the better able you’ll be to fully and joyfully express your blessed creativity. That’s when your art becomes more and more successful in the world.

It begins with treating yourself with love, respect, kindness, and compassion.

If you’d like to lose your self-consciousness and empower your creative spirit, start by answering the following questions:

What do you need to do (or stop doing), right now, to become a better friend and supporter of yourself?

What do you need to stop saying to yourself?

What kind of encouragement do you need?

Who do you need to spend more time with?

Who do you need to avoid?

The answers to these questions will get you started on the road to fuller self-expression in a way that feels good – really good.

By Mark Tyrrell

Unrequited love's a bore, yeah
And I've got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore, yeah
It's a pleasure to be sad...
("Glad to Be Unhappy", The Mamas and the Papas)

'Unrequited love' - sounds kind of old-fashioned, doesn't it? It conjures up scenes of 18th-century folk wandering around misty moors, composing poetry, passionately yearning for the merest glimpse of their beloved. Infatuation, longing, and love can be agonizing when they remain unreciprocated; when the focus of your love sees you as 'just a friend' (or not even that). Unrequited love can hurt like @#!*% .

Unrequited love's pedigree The concept of unrequited love may sound out of date. But, as evidenced by the huge number of people searching the term online, human concerns haven't really changed all that much since good old Will Shakespeare purportedly wrote: "Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."

Most of us experience the pangs of unreturned affection at some point in our lives. But for some folk, unrequited love becomes obsessive; they come to feel that they can become complete and fulfilled only through union with the object of their longings. The danger is that they come to feel that without that union, their life loses all meaning. And when meaning drains from life, we become depressed. So what are some of the common symptoms?

Unrequited love is seriously distracting! "My thoughts continually turn to him; every song reminds me of his face. I fantasize about us being together. Sometimes I awaken and know I've been dreaming about him. It's an ache that literally hurts my chest. In the hours and days after seeing him, I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate on work! It's not just infatuation; it's real love!" These are the words of a woman in love with a married work colleague.

Unrequited love can lead to listlessness, anxiety, disturbed sleep, and depression. The great philosopher Charlie Brown put it so well: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." And that's very germane. Unrequited love can feel overwhelming and spoil many of life's enjoyments - making all contact, other than with the beloved, seem pointless.

So what can you do about it?

As with all emotional distress, there are things you can do to lessen and even stop the pain. Try these and who knows; you might be moving on quicker than you'd thought possible.

1) Can you accept that they're just not that into you?
There's a massive amount to be said for resilience and determination, but as with anything, context is vital. There is also much to commend flexibility and the capacity to exercise the knowledge of when to 'cut your losses'. Love is romantic; those moments of utter connection and transcendental sympathy with another person, almost as if nature wants us to experience a merging of two into one as a kind of universal blueprint and preparation for a more spiritual fulfilment. Now I'm getting carried away. But everything has to have practical basis.

We are brainwashed by romantic fiction to believe that enough determination will awaken within others what they don't know themselves. And if we only try hard enough, we'll get our guy or girl - it works in romantic fiction, right?

Don't fall for this. How much time (including fantasy time) have you spent on this person?

"If only I could make them see... Just a little longer, if we could just speak together..."

Enough already. It may sound harsh, but sometimes knowing when to give up is the first step to real success.

2) Know (really know) who you are in love with
Ever heard of jailhouse love? Don't get me wrong; the unattainable may have its attractions (not having to confront reality is one of them). However, that 'unattainable' may be doing life for mass murder. Maybe you've hardly ever met that unattainable in the flesh, but it suits you to believe that he (usually he) is really just 'misunderstood'; that beneath that cold-hearted, psychopathic, mass-murdering exterior, he's really a loving and lovable guy just in need of some unconditional love.

A woman who falls for a man in jail is a stark illustration of what we can all do to a lesser extent. She has fallen for a man she's met in her mind who is, perhaps, barely approximated by the man in jail. She may even marry that 'man in her mind' even as the fleshy incarnation of her own inner phantasm rots in prison.

We all do this to some extent - not fall in love with serial killers, but create an image in our mind of whom we fall for as distinct from the real person. That's fine in some ways, but not if the fantasy and the person are in reality very different.

Are you in love with a fantasy - a concoction? Do you love this other person or your own creative projection? Many people who fall in love deeply quickly feel as if they 'know' the person for whom they've fallen. If the person they've fallen for is mainly a concoction of their own imagination, then it's not surprising they feel an instant connection.

When unrequited love feels overwhelming, dwell on this idea: that you may not love the real them at all because you don't know them.

3) Keep your wider life going, and growing
The thoughts stemming from the feelings of unrequited love are all or nothing: "Without this person, my life is meaningless! ... Unless I have them, I don't want anyone!" Putting all of one's eggs in one basket is always a dangerous strategy. "If I could only have this person, then all my problems would disappear!"

When we're in love, we just want to be in love. The chores, mundanities, and obligations of life become unwanted distractions clawing for our attention, which we'd rather reserve for the love of our life. This becomes dangerous if we begin to actually neglect other friendships and human contact (because they are not the person).

Unrequited love hits harder if we stop meeting our basic emotional needs for companionship, creativity, and emotional intimacy (which can be got from good friends). Get outside, exercise, go and see non-romantic movies, call up old friends you haven't seen in a while. Keep doing all the stuff you'd normally do, even if you don't feel like it, as these activities will buffer your peace of mind and help you move beyond your forlorn focus.

Ah, this brings us onto...

4) Glimpse the future in all its possible forms
Once a king who felt victim to the ebbs and flows of his mind gathered his wisest advisors and set them a task: "Produce for me an artefact that whenever I am low will make me feel better and whenever I am too high and mighty will steady my state and bring me balance." The advisors duly reported back to him a few days later and the wisest presented the king with a golden ring. The king put the ring on and noticed that when he looked carefully, he could see the inscribed legend, "This too will pass". In future, whenever the king felt overwhelmed by anything at all, he would read these words and reflect on them.

When I was three, I was 'in love' with a red toy bus; seriously, it was perhaps the main focus of my life and I would insist on taking it everywhere - that bus and I were meant to be together...always. That's how it felt at the time, anyway. The point? It feels like it's always going to feel this way; but it won't always feel this way. There have been literally decades in which I hadn't thought about that toy bus. Back then, if I'd verbalized it, I would have scorned the idea that one day I'd 'move on' from my early bus love. And, dare I say, it can be the same for people we've loved.

Get into the habit of self-hypnotically projecting your mind into the future - to a time when you can look back to the present and wonder what all the fuss was about. This is a great way to actually start to naturally feel better - above and beyond all the 'good sensible advice'. For a free audio taster of this, click below.

5) Get out of the pit
When we're in love, even if it's with our own imaginative version of a person, it's easy to wallow in romantic fiction, 'Rom-Coms', poems about undying love, mid-distance dreamy staring in the checkout queue, Cameron Diaz and Colin Firth. But overdoing this can cause you further problems. If you're really suffering because of your unrequited passions, then this is akin to rubbing salt into a lacerated leg wound repeatedly. It's gonna hurt.

At the risk of presenting myself as completely insane, I once asked a client who had been obsessing about a woman he worked with and was finding night times impossible to deal with to "research the top twenty service stations catering for UK motorways north of London as rated by customers". I asked him to compile me a report on it. Romantic or what!

My rapport with this man was such that I convinced him to do it - and because he was a perfectionist, once he'd agreed, he couldn't not do it. The next day, he came in and told me that after this onerous but logical task, he'd slept soundly, hadn't much thought about this woman, and felt like he turned a corner. I'm not suggesting you do this task, but I am illustrating a point.

Do things that engage your logical, planning, strategic brain. When people are depressed, they have less activity in the prefrontal lobes of the left side of their brain (1), so purposefully doing logical activities (which can be way more interesting than that guy's task) can help stabilize mood and help you feel much more detached and objective about stuff that was bothering you. You need perspective to deal with unrequited love.

6) Watch out - it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you
When you love someone who doesn't seem to care for you (or at least not as much), it can be easy to agonize over why they don't like/love you the way you do them. The fact is, you may be the best looking, wittiest, brightest, most fun person in the world, and they still may not like you the way you like them. Trying to get something from someone who doesn't have it to give is a little like King Cnut commanding the waves to stop their tidal flow to shore. If they don't love you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. Some people aren't very good at loving.

7) Find someone who can give you what you need
Loving whilst being loved in return - that great emotional symmetry - is what really fulfils. Some people get into the destructive pattern of only really falling for people who are 'unavailable' in some way, perhaps because they are with someone else or emotionally unable to commit to a relationship. Unconsciously making unavailability a prerequisite for falling in love is like insisting on going swimming only in dry deserts - it's never going to really work. If you have been doing this (or you suspect you have), at least become conscious of it and reflect that it's a self-defeating strategy.

Focus on finding someone who likes you for who you are. And don't confuse the intensity of agony with the intensity of real love. You'll know once you have found the real thing, because it will flow in both directions.

Just think for a moment how wonderful it's going to feel when you no longer have to obsess about that person. How you'll be able to choose whether to think about them or not. And when you do, you are able to feel calm and detached, putting it down to part of life's rich tapestry of experience.

Real love should make you happy and contented, not miserable and anxious. Unrequited love can never be anything but painful. For harmony in a relationship, the force of attraction needs to be balanced. Just imagine how good it's going to be when you find someone who knows how to love you as you love them.

From How to Handle the Pain of Unrequited Love

"There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Some thoughts on perfectionism from Brené Brown:

For some of us (including me), what I'm about to say is horrifying: Perfectionism is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.

Most perfectionists (also including me) grew up being praised for achievement and performance in our grades, manners and appearance. Somewhere along the way, we adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. A ticker tape began to stream through our heads: Please. Perform. Perfect.

Healthy striving, meanwhile, focuses on you. It occurs when you ask yourself, "How can I improve?" Perfectionism keeps the focus on others. It occurs when you ask, "What will they think?" Research, unfortunately, shows that perfectionism hampers success and often leads to depression, anxiety, addiction and missed opportunities, due to fears of putting anything out in the world that could be imperfect or disappoint others. It's a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight. Another way to think about it? Consider Leonard Cohen's song "Anthem," which says, "There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Read more...

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I've never been a huge Dr. Phil fan, but this seems like some pretty good advice...

• Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

• Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

• Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."

• Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

• Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

• Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

• Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

• Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.

• Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."

• Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

From Letting Go of Love

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