☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Mentally married to Robert Pattinson

lol ;P

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson

"If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all." - Anna Quindlen

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby

A lot has happened since last night. I finally reached my breaking point. As I lay crying and shaking uncontrollably with my dad listening patiently on the other end of the phone, I actually asked him, "How do I make it through the next few hours?" You know you have reached rock bottom when the idea of surviving until the next morning seems impossible.

For the first time in what seems like my entire life, I was being truly honest with myself. It was both exhilarating and the scariest thing I've ever done. I was finally owning up to the fact that I do not have any desire whatsoever to be in medical school or to even be a physician. I always knew, deep down, that I felt this way, but I had pushed myself unrelentingly down this career path anyway. I had pushed myself into the ground until I was so miserable, I could barely function. I've lost weight, developed heartburn, and I can sleep well over twelve hours a night and still not feel rested the next day. I've transformed into a walking zombie, living with no hope and loathing every minute of every day spent in class or studying.

I really tried to find something in my classes that I found even remotely interesting or exciting, and I couldn't come up with a single thing. I even hated anatomy and my "Introduction to Patient Care" class where I learned how to take histories and physicals and gained experience working with patients. Even I could not ignore what a huge red flag this was.

One could try to argue that no one likes medical school, even those medical students that are the most promising. My response to this statement would be, even if that was true (which it's not), those students can see a light at the end of the tunnel. They are able to make sacrifices while in school because they know they are working towards becoming a physician, a goal they are passionate about. I never had that. I never truly wanted to be a physician and the idea of heading towards that destination filled me with a deep sense of dread and made me feel both trapped and hopeless. I was able to admit to myself last night that there honestly isn't a single medical specialty that I am the least bit interested in, let alone could see myself doing for the rest of my life.

As I studied for my cellular biology exam last night, the thought occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to find another subject in the entire world to read about that would be less interesting to me if I tried. That is literally how much I hate this material. (I felt the same way when I studied for biochemistry and, to a slightly lesser degree, anatomy and histology.)

I've known all along that I hate the sciences. My brain certainly does not naturally function in a "scientific manner." I absolutely hate rote memorization (which is 95% of medical school) and would much rather analyze, write and read language. Simply put, my brain has and always will be wired for the arts and the humanities. Again, I've secretly known this all along, but I buried my feelings and forced myself to do things that really weren't in my skill set. How I made it this far is truly astonishing, considering just how much I hate the sciences. It is also extremely sad that I've pushed myself for this long and spent the last six or seven years pursuing something I never really wanted in the first place.

Why, you may ask, then, did I do it? There were two major reasons. One, I'm a people-pleaser and always thought becoming a physician would please my family most. (What I wanted was obviously never that important to me.) Two, I am afraid of taking risks and of failure, so the idea of following the more or less "guaranteed path to success" of becoming a physician seemed like a safe career choice. Along with the second reason, if I'm being totally honest, the prestige of being a physician was also very attractive to me.

Clearly, these are not good enough reasons to become a physician. Had I continued lying to myself and forcing myself down this path, I honestly don't know what would have become of me. Last night, I was literally at my wit's end. I wanted to throw things. I was so depressed and so overwhelmed that I thought my heart might stop. Within the span of about thirty minutes, my head was throbbing, I could feel a sore throat developing, I was itching the skin on my hand until it was raw, and I was dry heaving. At that point I realized enough is enough. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. It shouldn't be this bad, and though I did not have a backup plan in mind (which, by the way, terrifies me), there must be something in this world I can do that I don't absolutely despise.

Since making the decision to withdraw from medical school, I have felt, more than anything, a tremendous amount of peace and relief. I've felt hope, which I can't remember having felt for a very long time. The world seems like a better place than it did before, and I no longer feel trapped in my own life. Though I don't know yet what career path I would like to pursue, I am excited at the possibility of finding a goal that I can be passionate about. I have to be prepared to experience a lot of ups and downs, however, in the next few months due to making this decision.

When all is said and done though, I don't believe I really even made a decision. It had all reached a point where I simply had no other choice.

I saw Breaking Dawn: Part 1 last night and to cut straight to the chase, I thought it was a truly horrible movie. There were only two things I liked about it: one, when Bella put on a black slip to entice Edward to sleep with her and Edward buried his face into a pillow in frustration, and two, the decorations at the couple's wedding.

I happened to run across photos from the LA movie's premiere after party today and since it was Edward and Bella wedding-themed (and therefore a reminder of one of the only tolerable aspects of this movie), I thought I'd share.

"The afterparty took place under a giant tent on the rooftop of a garage next to the theater. Bella and Edward's wedding was the theme of the night. Partygoers—there were close to 3,000—entered the bash by walking through an arch of white flowers."

"Wooden tables and benches completed the look of Bella and Edward's woodsy nuptials."

"White leather couches were placed throughout the party. In the honeymoon area, they were accented with tropical flowers."

"Hello, sweet tooth! Bella and Edward's wedding cake towered over a dessert buffet that included matching cupcakes."

"The wedding cake was five-feet tall!"

"Tabletops featured centerpieces of white flowers and green foliage."

"The honeymoon area even included a glowing orange moon."

Images and caption text via E!Online

Images originally from Chad Hudson Events and Line 8 Photography

I think it's time to make two major, but extremely necessary changes in my life. One, I need to stop allowing others (mainly men) to walk all over me. I deserve respect, and if someone is disrespecting me, that person does not deserve my time or my energy. I can still behave pleasantly towards them, but I don't need to try so hard to make them happy that it ends up hurting me emotionally in the process.

Specifically, when it comes to men that I am considering as potential significant others, I will make the conscious choice to move on from anyone that is not, above all, a deeply goodhearted and sincere person. A man that lacks these two essential qualities, no matter how intelligent, good-looking or successful, is simply not worth it. I must acknowledge the fact that it is not in my best interests to be in a serious relationship with someone that is not, at the very least, goodhearted and sincere. (I, of course, know this intellectually, but I have a history of ignoring it in practice.)

Two, I need to take better care of my health. I've said it many, many times before, but I need to stop drinking Diet Coke and drink more water, eat less fast food and cook more, and exercise regularly.

Basically, I need to think of and take care of myself more. One way to do this is to repeatedly ask myself, "Is this in my best interests? If not, what is?"

Is it weird that I sorta-kinda-maybe want this?

Kidada for Disney Store Wish-a-Little Ariel

With a charm necklace and a card for you to write your greatest wish...

Did I mention the packaging is adorable too?

There's just one teensy little problem.

She's $39.50.

???

I finally broke down and purchased the Aurora journal, pen and mug from the Disney Designer Princess collection:

They cost a pretty penny on eBay, but I'd been really wanting them for a long time and was unable to purchase them in stores.

Speaking of the Disney Designer Princess Collection, I'm so happy I was able to order my own Ariel doll when she was available on the Disney Store website. She's going for over $400 right now on eBay!

I also purchased four tiny, white ceramic bunny rabbits from eBay. Here's a picture of two of them that I found on Tumblr a while ago:

Aren't they precious? ^_^

In other news, Jen brought my attention to the new "Snow White and the Huntsman" trailer, and I'm so happy she did. This movie is now at the very top of my must-see list!

Just a few things I have on my wish list from West Elm that I wanted to share...

16" Mongolian Lamb Pillow in Stone White

Faux Fur Throw in Platinum

Perfect for the chilly months ahead ;)

Mercury Votive Holders

Cast Metal Jewelry Tree

Although on Thomas Kinkade's official blog, it is stated the above image is not the "finalized image," I'd venture to assume it's pretty close. I learned not too long ago Sleeping Beauty was rumored to be the next release in Kinkade's "Disney Dreams Collection" on the Disney Princess LiveJournal Community and was, of course, very excited. Thomas Kinkade is one of my favorite painters, and Sleeping Beauty, as most of you already know, is one of my favorite Disney movies.

What do you think of Kinkade's interpretation of Sleeping Beauty? :)

Save the Date!:

The Disney Princess Designer Collection has turned out to be a huge hit - so much so, in fact, that Disney has been coerced into releasing all five remaining dolls from the line on the same day (in stores on October 17th and online on October 18th). As far as I know, it has not been revealed at what time they will be released online.

I was lucky enough to obtain my own Ariel, but I'm really hoping to purchase an Aurora for my collection as well. Something tells me these beautiful dolls may sell out within the first hour or so of being offered online...

Lovely, isn't she?

Also on my wishlist is this adorable Sleeping Beauty-inspired necklace I found on Etsy:

Love it!

I'm sure I'll regret posting this, but right now I just really need to vent. To cut straight to the chase, I am so incredibly sick of men liking me only because of the way that I look. It seems to happen to me way more often than it should, considering the fact that I'm really not that pretty...

I've been feeling so rejected lately because of this that my heart is starting to feel like it's been put through a meat grinder...

This most recent time, I developed feelings for a second-year medical student who, lo and behold, thought I was attractive and worth pursuing for this reason for a short amount of time, but didn't find it worthwhile to actually take the time to get to know me. I finally had to end things with him yesterday because once the draw of my looks wore off, he began treating me with very little respect.

This seems to happen so often that I begin to wonder if my personality just sucks and that's why men seem to lose interest so quickly. Of course, when I'm able to think clearly, I know very well that my personality doesn't suck. I shouldn't have to defend myself (to er, myself), but I know that I'm very sensitive and caring, and every once in a while, even a little bit funny. So, why is it so difficult for me to find someone that will appreciate me for more than the way that I look? Do I just attract men that aren't interested in getting to know the women they pursue, period?

I know this isn't a positive way of thinking, but I can't help but believe that if I just had a good enough personality then the guy would have no choice but to want to continue seeing me. When I think along these lines, of course, I just end up feeling like there's something wrong with me...

It just hurts so bad. I really liked this guy. I wanted him to like me too, but I feel like he didn't even give me a chance...

I would like you...

And you...

And you, please.

I mean really, how flipping gorgeous can you get? These necklaces really make an outift. Too bad they're all between $100 and $300. :(

(All necklaces by Loren Hope Designs.)

Products I Plan on Re-Purchasing:

L'Oréal Paris Lineur Intense Felt Tip Liquid Eyeliner in Earthen Rock Brown

$6.50

The felt tip of this eyeliner makes it really easy to apply, and it lasts all day! I usually just use this to fill in any spots that I missed on my upper lash line with my MAC Fluidline Eyeliner Gel in Dipdown.

MAC Eye Shadow in Haux

$15.00

This is my favorite everyday eye shadow color for the crease area above my lids. It's natural looking without being a boring brown color.

Products I'd Like to Try:

Lancôme Hypnôse Mascara in Deep Black

$25.00

Sally Hansen Mega Shine Top Coat

~$5.00

Products I'm Currently Loving:

Essie Nail Polish in Ballet Slippers

$8.00

This is, hands down (ha!), my favorite nail polish color for my fingernails. If you have darker skin, it may be too light, but if you have pale skin like me, it's the perfect neutral pale pink color. I especially love that after only two coats, it looks opaque!

What beauty products are you loving right now? :)

I've been inspired by the thick, sexy layered haircut actress Kathleen Turner sported in the early 1980's. At the length my hair is now, it appears very thin and unhealthy. (It can look passably good, but only after I've spent loads of time teasing and curling it - not something I want to be doing every day.)

It's time for a change, and I have a feeling something a bit shorter will be easier to maintain and will end up looking better too.

My favorite photo of her haircut - I love how bouncy it is!

Super sexy!

What are your thoughts?

P.S. And here's a fun fact for you: Kathleen Turner was the voice of Jessica Rabbit in the movie Roger Rabbit. :)

It's definitely taking some time for me to ease into this med school thing. I've been out of school since the winter of 2008 and getting back into the swing of going to classes and studying during practically all other hours of the day has not been easy. I get distracted constantly, and I even find myself complaining about the necessity of certain classes ("Human Behavior," I'm looking at you). I begin to wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I get everything done right when I'm supposed to and still manage to sleep eight hours a night, eat healthy meals and exercise consistently. I swear, med school is like a juggling act - if you turn your attention away for one second, one ball falls and the rest fall with it. You can't let a single day go by without studying as much as you possibly can.

Right now, I'd say I'm particularly worried about my biochemistry and anatomy classes. Most of the other students have already taken biochemistry, but since I was an English major, I haven't. (Plus, I still have to memorize the structures of all those amino acids and sugars... *groans*) As for anatomy, I have no idea what the tests will be like (though I'm pretty certain they will be insane), and I have yet to get caught up in the reading. I know I'll feel much better about both of these classes once I've studied a little more for them. If I'm nervous about a class, it usually just means I haven't studied enough for it yet.

The DisneyStore.com order I placed on the 20th finally came in today! The Ariel pillow is so, so amazing in person. It's incredibly soft, just the right size, the embroidery is really well done, and it looks just like her. I couldn't be happier with it!

The "Medical" Vinylmation figure I ordered is also adorable. It came with a small Mickey charm with a blue Staff of Asclepius on it (which is the one I wanted of the ones available). I looked at the DisneyStore.com website today and the "Medical" Vinylmation figure doesn't seem to be available anymore, so I guess I got it just in time! ;)

If you haven't heard already, DisneyStore.com is releasing a line of limited edition collectible dolls, clothing, stationery items, etc. based on a series of 1950's inspired sketches of the Disney princesses. (Click here to see what's available in the line so far.) Each Monday through October 24th, a new princess doll is released. Cinderella was released first, and guess who was released today? My favorite - Ariel! She's pretty expensive, but I knew I would regret it if I didn't get her before she sold out (and from what I've heard, she's expected to sell out pretty quickly). Here are a few pictures of her:

I hope she arrives soon! ♥

P.S. Thank you, Jen, for letting me know about this line!

I'll be honest - while I think YouTube beauty guru Blair Fowler is super pretty and has a lot of wonderful beauty-related tricks up her sleeve, I simply cannot stand watching her videos. The way she talks at absolute warp speed is like hearing nails on a chalkboard to me. Ramble, ramble, ramble, um, um, um... So annoying! (I personally much prefer Michelle Phan's soft, rehearsed voice.) That being said, I couldn't help but fall in love with her and her sister Elle's new iPhone case line produced by Cellairis. Here are my three favorite designs:

Right now, I'm leaning more towards the top one, but they're all so cute! Although I love the second one, it's probably too "young" for me. Hmmm... Decisions!

So, what do you think of Elle and Blair Fowler's cases? :)

Every since I purchased the 17" singing Ariel doll from DisneyStore.com (hush, she's beautiful), I've been getting an inordinate amount of e-mails from "the mouse," telling me about the latest products to go on sale. I've been meaning to unsubscribe, but today, I must say I'm glad that I haven't yet because otherwise, I would not have known about these two amazing (and so very me) products:

15" in x 15" in Embroidered Polyester Ariel Cushion

Don't even try to tell me this wasn't an absolute must-have! I saw a picture of a full body-length Ariel pillow (probably over a year ago) from the Tokyo DisneySea theme park and have been pining over it ever since. Unfortunately, that pillow just does not seem to exist on this side of the globe. After tirelessly searching for that pillow with no success, I was extremely happy to find the above one (and to find it on sale too!). I'm already obsessed with her. ♥

Vinylmation "Occupations Series" - Medical

I don't own any Vinylmations (I wasn't into the whole Disney pin trading craze either), but when I saw the above one, I had no choice but to add it to my collection. I mean hello, if this isn't me, I don't know what is. ;)

The first week of medical school went pretty well by the way. I've never been this busy in my entire life. Sleep is something I look forward to now more than anything. We had our first quiz in histology on Friday and while I did do well on it, so did most of the students in our class. Even the average was an 89%! I'll admit I'm not used to being surrounded by so many intensely hardworking people. It's a little intimidating and, if I'm being completely honest, doesn't make me feel nearly as "special" as I'm used to feeling in a classroom setting. Every single person here was at the top of their class as an undergraduate. This could turn out to be a really good thing, however, because it can encourage me to work that much harder to be at the top of my class. I swear though, these students are so hyper-focused that we very well all may be getting 4.0's. It's really that intense. Even the second-year students were surprised by the degree of our class's focus in only the first week of medical school.

Three chapters from our human behavior textbook, three journal articles, histology slides and associated questions, yet another dense histology chapter... All assigned today to do by tomorrow.

Thanks for the welcome, med school.

At least I got myself a brand new stethoscope today:

*grins*

In other news, every time I think about my last post, I feel so down... It may have only happened yesterday, but the intensity of the disappointment I am feeling at the moment still surprises me. I want more than anything to text him or call him and tell him how I feel, so I guess it's a good thing that I deleted his number from my phone.

Only now am I realizing just how badly I wanted that relationship to work out. Back to feeling depressed I guess... ;(

Hello, friends. I just finished a week-long orientation for medical school, am in a brand new city, and I'm about to begin classes on Monday. (I'll try to write a longer post about these very big life updates soon.)

For this post though, I would like to discuss another major life update - the ending of my relationship.

It's sad when someone that seemed to be the "entire package" can still not be enough. This person can come from a wonderful family, be successful, hardworking, intelligent and even very good-looking, but if he isn't "your rock," then the entire relationship is essentially a sham. If he can't talk about his feelings, is in any way afraid of commitment, can't make the tiniest bit of effort to be with you (and no, I don't care how busy he is), then he's not the one. At least not the one for me...

I could go on and on, but really, what else is there to say? I'm terribly disappointed, and I admit there were moments when I thought he could possibly even be "the one." However, it quickly became obvious as I was preparing to leave for medical school that he was not going to make me a priority after I left.

Knowing the day I would be leaving, he sent me an e-mail that morning. I promptly texted and e-mailed him back, but for the rest of that day and the next, I didn't hear a single word from him. I left without seeing him or even saying goodbye to him, and I was devastated. Even if he was up to his ears in work, he could have at least had the decency to send a short text to tell me what was going on. When I asked him during our last phone (and break-up) conversation why he hadn't sent me at least a text that day, he told me he didn't have a "good excuse."

The break-up part of the conversation began, by the way, when I admitted to him that I had lately been feeling like a burden to him. His work schedule was so hectic that I actually felt like I was imposing on him when I texted (and trust me, I texted, at the very most, only once a day).

I knew it was the end when he didn't disagree with me. I was a burden to him. He didn't have time for me, or at least that's the excuse he wanted me to believe...

Personally though, I believe that when all was said and done, he simply didn't care about me all that much. I mean, how could he have? Yes, I am aware of how busy he is, but no one is too busy to make contact at least once or twice a week with the person they are in a relationship with. No one. All excuses aside, if he cared about me enough, he would have tried to make it work. If you're lucky enough to find "the one," you don't let them go without a fight.

To add insult to injury, I just updated my status on Facebook to "single" and am now feeling particularly vulnerable because of it - for whatever reason, I felt like it just had to be done. It will be one of my ways of "moving on" I guess... (I've already tossed (and broken in half when possible) the few things he gave me. Ha.)

For my own future reference, here are several warning signs that I, in retrospect, should have been a lot more wary of:

1) He was an adrenaline junkie and completely reckless. He even did hard drugs for a long time (and still smoked marijuana and did acid on occasion).

2) He told me early on that he was holding himself back with me because he knew that I was leaving.

3) He didn't call me after he first met me. (I actually ended up texting him first to see if he was still interested because over a week had passed. That was my first mistake.)

4) I knew that his last relationship had ended because of his work schedule.

Honestly, there were so many signs that I don't even feel like taking the time to write them all out right now. It's already clear that I have to be smarter in my approach to relationships in the future and try not to allow my attraction for the person to get in the way so much... I have a tendency to settle for much less than I should and be way too accommodating.

My bedroom is currently black, white and silver, but sometimes, I find myself wishing I could fall asleep in a beautiful golden boudoir...

I love the mix of soft lilac with gold...

Gold is warm and glamourous...

Even when used sparingly, gold instantly warms up a room...

Mix gold with mirrored furnishings and crystal accents for an ultra-glam effect...

I think I'd even prefer my cutlery to be gold!

It's all in the details...

So, what do you think of gold? :)